


Jendell Rangers

by TanookiRoxx



Category: KISS (US Band)
Genre: Adventure, Alternate Universe - Spies & Secret Agents, Assassins & Hitmen, Crack Treated Seriously, Dark Comedy, Friendship, Gen, Hijinks & Shenanigans, Humor, Mark is a hostage, Pranks and Practical Jokes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-27
Updated: 2020-06-01
Packaged: 2021-03-02 02:01:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,931
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23877346
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TanookiRoxx/pseuds/TanookiRoxx
Summary: Ace recruits Peter to assist him with a special mission.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 7





	1. PART I

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this story a loooooooooooong time ago for another fandom. I have re-written it to fit within the KISS universe. 
> 
> WARNING - It's a bit wacky and contains dark humor.

It all began one stormy December evening. The roadies were at the stage door to pack up the gear. KISS had just finished yet another brilliant show, and it was time to tear down the stage. Crates and equipment came out one at a time, soft white flakes settling on them before they made it into the dim interior of the trailer. At last it was time to move the piano.

As the loading crew walked up, they found Peter sitting at the keys. He was playing a lullaby to Ace, who was very nearly passed out on the floor beside him. The crew looked at each other and then at Peter and then at Ace. Ace had a thin line of drool working its way from the corner of his mouth to the floor.

“Um, we gotta move this now,” one of them began.

Suddenly, Ace jumped up, grabbing Peter awkwardly from the bench. He swiped up a mostly squished lime from an empty beer bottle and held it to the corner of Peter’s eye.

“Just back off buddy!” Ace said defiantly. “We’ve got bigger fish to fry!” 

With that he backed out of the door with Peter in tow, heading for the front door of the truck. Pulling the door open, he shoved his longtime best friend in and hopped in behind the wheel.

“We’re going for a RIDE!” Ace screamed with a shrill laugh.

And with that he put the massive truck into gear and spun off on the snow-covered roads. The truck whipped away into the dark, snowy evening, random pieces of equipment spilling from the open rear doors.

A group had formed outside the backstage area, staring at the receding red tail lights in awe.

Tommy stormed out of a side door.

“What in the hell was that!?” he demanded. “And where is the truck?”

“Dude, Ace went loco and hijacked Peter and the truck,” said a random roadie in the group.

“Idiots!” screamed Tommy. “Do you realize what this means?”

Without another word, he pulled out a device from his pocket and pressed a green flashing button. Around the corner sped a motorcycle complete with Eric Singer in the side car.

“Where to this time, boss?” Eric asked as he smacked his chewing gum.

“Ace jacked the truck and Peter. You got your rubber suit?”

“Of course,” Eric said after blowing a bubble with his gum.

“Alright let’s do this.”

Tommy turned his attention to the crowd.

“Who’s the one in charge here?”

A gruff burly man stepped forward with a proud smirk on his face.

“Me. Whatsittoya?” he sneered.

At the speed of light Tommy rifled a playing card at the man. The card stuck in his forehead with a sickening “schunk” sound. The man had enough time to see which card it was before falling on his face into the snow-covered street.

“Damn right, she really smarts,” Tommy said, jumping on the bike.

He affixed his helmet and sped off after the truck with Eric in tow.

The crowd stood there astounded. The weird part wasn’t that the hijacking or even that Tommy had the ability to kill people with playing cards. The weird part was that Eric was in fact wearing the rubber suit.

On the ground, the burly man twitched once, twice and then went still, the Queen of Hearts seeping to red.

To Be Continued…


	2. PART II

The truck sped along into the swirling snow. Ace stared madly into the rear view mirror and then ahead at the winding road. He glanced quickly at Peter and saw his friend staring blankly back. Slowly, Peter’s lips curved into a grin and the two laughed so hard that their eyes watered.

“You think they bought it?” Peter finally managed.

“Bet your sweet white ass they bought it,” Ace said, pulling the truck off on a side road.

He down shifted and eventually pulled the rig to a stop, killing the lights but leaving the motor running.

“You know it won’t be long before those two meet up with us. What are we going to do?” Peter asked.

Ace climbed out of his seat and into the small compartment in the back.

“Well,” he said. “We put these on and don’t worry about it.”

Ace climbed back out, throwing a rubber suit in Peter’s lap.

“Son of a bitch…” Peter said, dropping his jaw.

“Yep, now C’mon, we’ve got a job to do…”

The two climbed out of the truck and made their way around to the back, Ace leading the way.

“When did you re-join the Jendell Rangers?” Peter asked as they neared the rear of the trailer.

“Oh, I never stopped. That’s why I had to leave the band temporarily. I had to take care of some top-secret missions on Jendell.”

“I’ll be damned. I always wondered what happened to you.”

“Yeah, well it’s time you joined. I need your help anyway. There’s only four of us total now and we’re responsible for the safety of humanity,” Ace replied as he climbed up into the trailer, helping Peter up behind him.

“What was your motto again?” Peter asked.

“Quick whack, jump back, the Jendell Rangers are on the attack!” Ace replied smiling. “Now help me move this shit so we can get to the front of the trailer.”

“What for?”

“That’s where I hide my rocket.”

The two moved boxes and speakers, making way to the front of the truck. They finally cleared a path that led to a wall with a large door where there should have been more trailer space. A giant paddle lock was clamped over the brass hardware by the handle.

“Damn!” cried Ace.

“What’s the matter?”

“I don’t have the key. I left it with Tommy.”

Just as he said this, the motorbike came whipping around the corner, it’s riders grinning, scarves trailing out behind them like banners in the wind.

“Well that solves that,” Ace said, walking to the back of the trailer again.

The motorbike pulled up with a skid, Tommy flipping lightly off it and Eric climbing out behind him.

“Well then Ace, you decided to add Peter to our ranks, did you?” Tommy asked.

“Tommy, babe, would I ever steer us wrong?” Ace reached down and helped the other two up into the trailer.

“Where’s Paul?” Eric asked, noticing the rangers were missing someone.

With a flash of smoke and purple glitter, Paul appeared before the four men, Peter staring in awe.

“You rang?” Paul asked casually. 

“HOW DID HE DO THAT?” Peter asked, completely baffled.

“Heh…Jendell magic. I’ll teach ya later,” Ace winked.

“What’s this about, Ace?” Paul asked.

“I’m glad you’re all here. It’s Gene. He’s in trouble again,” Ace announced.

Tommy looked up quickly. “Oh no. It’s not what I think it is…”

“Yep. Crashed another Rogaine convention. This time it looks pretty serious. I think he may have taken a hostage,” Ace said sadly.

“He WHAT?” Peter said.

“Yeah, weird isn’t it?” Eric said, now standing beside him. “Ever since his Gene Simmons ‘Hair-in-a-hat’ gimmick didn’t work, he’s made it his life’s mission to get revenge.

“You’re joking,” Peter said, absently rubbing his head.

Tommy stepped past the group and walked to the secret door. He lifted the lock, inserting a large skeleton key and turning it. The lock fell open and he pulled it out.

“All right, now the rocket only fits four, so what the hell are we going to do with Peter?” Tommy asked.

“Um. I could watch the truck…” Peter replied, stepping back a bit and hiding his rubber suit behind him.

Ace cackled. “What’s the matter, Cat? You worried about your first mission?”

“I remember my first mission,” he reflected, “thirty-two llamas and nothing to defend myself but a half-glass of wine and fool-hardiness. But hey, it all worked out.”

“Except for the llamas,” Tommy deadpanned.

“Right, well except for them,” Ace cackled.

“Enough!” Paul shouted. “Gene is probably halfway to Mexico by now, and with a hostage that is only going to complicate things.”

“Do we know who the hostage is?” Eric asked.

Before Ace could speak a sudden loud whirring, noise interrupted the conversation, as the inner chamber filled with lights and smoke. Tommy poked his head out of the door to wave the others in.

“If we’re going to do any good, we need to fly, Peter, put that suit on. The rest of you, to your positions,” Ace ordered.

The four men disappeared into a back room while Peter slipped on the midnight blue rubber suit.

“Huh,” he said. “This baby is pretty comfy.”

Looking down, he noticed the belt that was attached had a series of random buttons with various markings on them. One in particular caught his interest, it was marked “Infiltrate.” He lightly brushed it with his finger tip and decided to press it.

“Wait! Don’t touch – “ came a voice from inside the room.

But before he could stop, the suit exploded around him, filing instantly with air. Peter found himself trapped in the giant midnight blue colored balloon, pinned between large pieces of equipment.

“Shit!” Ace said, running up to him.

He grabbed a cord that was sticking out of Peter’s collar and gave it a tug. Immediately, the suit deflated and Peter stood there looking perplexed.

“What the hell was that?” he panted trying to regain his breath. “I thought it said ‘infiltrate.’

“It does. The guy who made the suits for us was either being funny or sneaky,” Ace said, leading Peter into the back of the room.

“Either way it’s been a pain in the ass for all of us. You should have seen when mine went off in the middle of Grand Avenue while I was helping an old lady across the street. I’ve never been hit so hard in my life. I swear that cane was made of steel.”

As they entered the room, Peter looked up, amazed to see a large white pod filled with Paul, Tommy and Eric. Steam shot out from beneath the jets as a ring of flashing blue lights circled its circumference.

“Woah!” Peter cried. “What the hell is that contraption?”

As he spoke, the roof of the trailer opened, exposing the midnight sky.

“Ready to go for a rocket ride?” Ace asked, jumping up into the pod with his friends. “Unfortunately, there’s not a lot of room left in here, so you’ll have to ride on top.”

“On…top?” Peter asked nervously.

“That’s right. See the button on your belt marked ‘D.T.’? Press it,” Tommy ordered.

As he did, long strips of his suit rolled over to expose a gray sticky surface.

“Duct tape? Really?” Peter asked dumbfounded.

Ace pressed a few buttons and the rocket began to levitate.

“Get up here and lay on the roof. We’ve got to get moving before it’s too late!”

Peter climbed up and did as he was told. To his surprise, once he was flat on his stomach, peering down at the other four, he couldn’t move an inch.

“This better work!” he shouted above the engines.

“Usually does…” Ace said as the rocket launched out of the trailer and into the dark starry nighttime sky.

To Be Continued…


	3. PART III

Meanwhile somewhere south of San Diego in a beat-up Volkswagen micro bus, Gene sped along the highway, occasionally checking his rear view mirror. The California air was soft and warm as it flowed into the open windows. A muffled cry followed by a thump came from the back of the bus, and Gene checked the figure in the mirror.

“Settle down. We’ll be there in a couple of…hours. Damn, that looks uncomfortable, is it?”

The figure lay on his side, hands tied behind his back with a dirty sock stuffed in his mouth.

“Mmm fmf…” he replied.

The figure was Mark St. John. Gene had found him trying to start a fight with a poor groupie teenager outside the Rogaine convention. Gene had no choice but to put the Vulcan Death Grip on him (three-quarter strength, of course!) and throw his worthless body into the back of the van.

“Mgf fhfmph!” Mark muffled more loudly.

“Yes. Yes, I know it’s been a while since we stopped for the restroom. I guess I just don’t really have to go. In fact, this Slush Puppie is tasting delicious right now,” Gene said, grabbing a large cup for the console.

He gave it a shake and took a long pull off the straw.

“You see Mark, the trick to drinking these things is that you have to pull the straw out a little otherwise you get all of the syrup right away and you’re just left with ice. And that sucks. Kind of like you!”

Mark sighed and went limp again.

“Well I suppose we’d better step on it if we’re going to make Mexico while it’s still dark.”

With that, Gene stomped on the accelerator and cranked up the radio, “All Hell’s Breaking Loose” was playing loudly as the bus found its way across the border, bringing the two one step closer to their strange destiny.  
…

The Jendell Rangers rocketed across the evening sky like a strange satellite in the night. Peter peered down through the glass at the others crammed in on top of each other in an almost humorous fashion. The blue lights cast an eerie glow as the rocket landed down in the middle of an open field. The jets shot down again as they landed surprisingly gently.  
Ace cut off the engine and flipped the glass dome up, setting Peter literally on his feet, though still connected to the glass. The four piled out, stretching and talking about random plans.

“Uh guys…a little help here?” Peter said, failing to release himself from the glass.

“Oh sorry about that, Cat,” Ace said.

He pulled out a small remote-like device and pressed a button. The glass snapped down so quickly that Peter went flying forward and tumbled about twenty feet away.

“Son of a…” He said, climbing to his feet. “Hey, that didn’t really hurt much at all.”

“It’s the suit. It’s made of a new age fiber that’s resistant to heat, cold and puncture. It’s basically your best friend. Just be sure you don’t ever cut it and inhale the fibers or you’ll be likely to get Pnuemonultramicroscopicsilicovolconaoconiosis and that would suck,” Ace said matter of factly.

“What the hell is that? And where the hell are we?” Peter asked, but before Ace could reply something started beeping in his jacket pocket.

“South of Miami,” Tommy answered. “We’re trying to intercept Gene before he gets out of the states.”

“Shit. Double shit,” Ace said. “He went the other way. He’s fifty miles south of Tijuana right now and moving fast.”

“Damn! I should have thought of that,” Paul said. “He’s probably headed for the beach house.”

“All right everyone, in again,” Ace ordered. 

Peter’s head snapped towards Ace. “Now just hold on a damn minute, I’m not riding on that excuse of a getaway vehicle anymore! Just send me a postcard and I’ll be here drinking a Mai Tai by the tiki hut. Which way to town?”

Ace cackled. “All right! We’ll just teleport then. Stand together everyone!”

“WHAT!? YOU MEAN, YOU FUCKERS MADE ME RIDE ON THAT FOR NOTHING!” Peter raged.

“Nonsense,” Eric said, patting him on the back. “It was actually quite entertaining to watch.”

“Yeah, besides you didn’t ask,” Ace grinned at a fuming Peter. “Now C’mon, we’ve got work to do.”

Ace held out his thumb in a hitchhiking motion as the group vanished in a poof of smoke.

To Be Continued…


	4. PART IV

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The guys pull a practical joke on an unsuspecting Peter.

Gene sat out on the beach house’s balcony gnawing on the last bit of some BBQ ribs. He looked out over the ocean as the daylight started to light the day. Next to him was a half-bottle of Coca Cola and a plate, empty but for a pile of bones.

He took a long draw off his bottle and sighed. “Boy, Paul, you weren’t kidding about that rib recipe. Just a little bit of Dr. Pepper really does the trick,” he said aloud to himself.

He’d gotten in around three and couldn’t sleep. There was just too much work to do. He’d spent hours getting the food ready, cleaning up and finally was able to settle in for a nice nap now that he was finished eating. He finished his soda and let his eyes drift closed. The warm dawn breeze rustled over him as he began to doze.

Suddenly, a loud whoosh interrupted the silence. Gene looked up with a start. Standing about forty yards out on the beach were Ace, Tommy, Eric, Peter, and Paul. Four of them started immediately running up the beach toward the house. Peter paused as if getting his bearings before following.

“Ay Geno! How’s it going buddy?” Ace hollered as they approached the deck.

“Took you guys long enough,” Gene snorted, pulling another Coca-Cola bottle from the box and opening it on the railing.

“Well ya know…new guy was holding us up a little,” Ace replied with a shrug.

“The hell I was!” Peter snapped, jogging up behind the rest.

“Hiya Gene. How’s life?” Eric asked, looking up from the beach level.

“Not to *BURP* bad. Just had a nice meal. Got rid of that jerk, Mark St. John. It was a good night all in all,” Gene smirked.

Tommy hollered from inside the house. “Uh guys…we’ve got a situation here…”

“You know…” Gene continued. “That rib recipe you gave me is really kick ass, Paul.”

“Told ya…when did you make ribs?” Paul asked, confused.

“But I will say this much, despite everything, in the end, Mark was actually kinda sweet.”

“Huh? What does that mean?” Peter asked.

“And a little tough I might add,” Gene said as he picked his teeth and took another pull off from his soda.

A second later, Ace, Tommy and Eric burst through the door behind him, tackling him to the ground.

“Damn Genie, you sick little monkey,” Eric said, sitting atop Gene’s torso.

Tommy was sitting on Gene’s legs while Ace had his arms bound.

“What the big deal?” Gene asked, gasping under the weight of his friends. “The guy was gonna bite the dust someday anyway!”

The sound of the waves continued as the beach rang out with a new noise…the sound of deep, laborious vomiting.

Peter wiped his mouth and looked up at his friends on the balcony. His stomach quivered a bit and then settled.

“Dude…you didn’t really eat that guy, did you?”

Paul was standing in the doorway to the lower level now. He looked inside and then turned back to Peter.

“Well…not all of him anyway.”

Up on the deck the other three finally let Gene up, but took the remaining plate of ribs away from him. They stood there just shaking their heads.

“What?” he said defiantly. “Look you all know that the guy was an ass. You should have seen him trying to start a fight with this poor groupie.”

Gene grabbed his Coca-Cola bottle.

“Besides,” he said, taking a swig from his drink. “He’s actually pretty damn tasty.”

“Dude, that’s just fucked up,” Peter said, following Paul out onto the deck.

“I can’t even bear to look at whatever you did down there. What the hell is the matter with you? Have you lost your grip on reality?”

“Look,” Gene said, edging his way cautiously over to the grill. “There are a couple of ribs left. Just try one and tell me they aren’t good…”

He offered one to Ace who stood there staring at him blankly. Ace gave a shrug and took the rib. He took a bite and chewed thoughtfully.

“Hmmm…well I’ll be damned. A little tough but pretty tasty! Not bad ya cannibalistic freako.”

“There! You see? I told you I wasn’t crazy,” Gene boasted. 

“Hey, he’s right!” Paul chimed in, sucking the barbecue sauce off his fingers lewdly. “My rib recipe works terrific on all meats!”

Peter looked at Paul as if he’d lost his damn mind.

Gene took another rib and offered it to Peter.

“Try one, Peter.”

“Are you fucking crazy!? There is no way in hell I’m eating that,” Peter screamed.

His lips quivered as he stepped back, shaking his head.

“Really Peter it’s not that bad,” Eric said with a mouth full of rib meat.

“We really shouldn’t waste him after all,” Tommy said, nibbling on his rib.

“You guys are really fucked up in the head, you know that?” Peter freaked out.

He was considering making a run for it in case his psychotic bandmates got hungry again!

Ace stepped forward and took the rib from Gene. He turned to Peter.

“You actually should give it a try, Cat. It’d be good for you, what with your weak stomach and all.”

“WHAT!? Hell no! Are you ALL on crack?”

He stepped back again, his back against the railing. 

Paul stepped forward finally and took the rib from Ace. “They have a point, Peter. If you can do this then you can do anything. You will truly be a Jendell Ranger. You want that, don’t you?”

Peter looked at the others pensively then he looked at the rib.

“Are you scared, Peter? Hmm…I thought you were tough,” Paul teased as he poked the rib in Peter’s direction again.

“I’m not scared of anything! Gimmie that damn rib!” Peter ordered as he snatched it out of Paul’s hand. 

Peter ripped a chunk of rib meat off the bone vehemently with his teeth. He chewed quickly and swallowed. The others watched him silently.

“Well?” Gene asked.

“I..uh…it’s not bad! Actually, it’s pretty damn good.”

He paused for a moment. “Shit. I’m as fucked up as the rest of you bastards.”

The other five looked at each other and burst out laughing. Ace slapped Gene on the back.

“That was excellent! Your movies may have sucked but you can play a sick fucker!” Ace cackled.

Gene glared at Ace for that insult about his previous Hollywood roles.

“What the hell is going on?” Peter asked, sneaking another bite from the rib.

“Oh my God, Peter! Did you really eat that thing thinking it was Mark!?” Paul was laughing so hard; he almost couldn’t speak.

“What? What the hell are you talking about?”

Ace put his arm around his confused friend. “Just think of it this way, your Jendell Ranger initiations are over.”

“You mean that wasn’t a human rib?” Peter asked.

Tommy walked over still laughing. “Dude, you rock. I can’t believe you ate that thing.”

“I don’t know. He did eat that willingly thinking it was a fellow human. I think we should all be wary of Peter,” Eric added.

“You mean…it wasn’t?” Peter asked quite relieved.

“Of course not! It was nothing more than the finest pork rib that Mexico had to offer,” Gene said in amusement.

Peter stood perplexed for a minute. Suddenly, he burst out laughing with the rest.

“All right. Very funny! So what happened to Mark?”

Gene looked up and the others looked at him.

“Oh, don’t worry about him. I left him in a nice alley in Tijuana. I think those men will take good care of him. I just told them he was border police. They were actually VERY glad to see him.”

The whole group laughed at this and then proceeded to eat ribs by the ocean until the next emergency arose.


End file.
